A Modest Proposal. (with apologies to Jonathan Swift*)
We applaud the Planning Board's new proposed regulations. At last we can stop worrying about all those pesky decisions.
Why stop at landscaping, signs and lights? I would humbly offer five suggestions.
1. Clothing: Regarding clothing and fashion appropriate for our North Salem experience: The other day someone was strolling right down the center of the sidewalk in an offensive Hawaiian shirt. Some people need to be reminded we are not in the tropics. We are in horse country. Off white or hunter green would be the proper choice.
Instead of braggy logos, clothing would have highly visible Appearance Department permit tags. Everyone would have six months to properly recycle old outfits that are deemed in bad taste. Before being forcefully removed from your closet.
2 .Food: We all know chocolate donuts, for example, are not in keeping with the character of the area. For many reasons cited in 63.251-6 they are just not “correct.” But these can be eaten if conforming to an regulated size. Let’s say 3.25 inches diameter with a glaze approved by the new Town Council of Appropriate Behavior. Of course there would be a grace period of six minutes to consume before police action is required to remind the violator of their poor choice. Strawberries and tomatoes would be the only accepted snack within the Croton Falls GB district. Some apples would have a 30 day seasonal exemption.
3. Art: We have all noticed things on lawns possibly labelled "art /sculpture”. What’s that? We often hear. Well that’s point number one. All art should shall be easily recognizable. A style book will be provided. If we can’t tell what is it from a distance of 12.4 feet and with the Kelvin rating (expressed in K), combined with the lumens of a ratio combining the equations (1) foot-candle, enough light to saturate a one (1) foot square with one (1) lumen of light multiplied by how many drinks one has had at the time of viewing, the art shall be destroyed.
4. Cars: We have all seen older vehicles that are just not keeping up with our new approved appearance. Some are not very clean either. This could be due to dirt roads that for some reason have not been slathered with blacktop. Yet. But that’s for another meeting.
5. Holidays: As per holiday decorations, why stop at lighting? We have all seen kneeling statue groups on lawns around December primarily at old timey buildings (churches?).
We would affix a large digital LED countdown style clock on these. After 29 and1/2 days, or less the Sanitation Department would be called to clean this up.
So please, Let’s all get in line, adapt and take a dive into a happy pool of conformity.
An artist working in North Salem.
*Doctor Jonathan Swift is widely credited with the first use of satire in writing